HOW TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
Coming out of the closet may be one of the most difficult decisions in your life. Just keep in mind that above all else, you're a gem. Show your shine and know there isn't any reason to hide yourself behind a door of fear. Besides the people who really love you won't abandon you because you are who you are and if they do, they don't deserve to have you in their lives. Just remember to ease on it, don't bring it up suddenly.
- Acceptance! Accept yourself for who you are. You can never be comfortable telling people about your sexual orientation when you're not comfortable with it yourself. You're just as much a person as another orientation. It doesn't make you any different than anyone else. You are a perfect human being.
- Who's first? Decide who to come out to first. Choose someone you trust and who might be able to help you when things get tough. Many people tell a good friend first, before they tell their parents. Start with someone you know to be accepting, who does not have a habit of outing other people. Listen for how they react to others. You could choose a counselor for this to get some training in how to come out from an expert, just make sure the counselor is gay-friendly before coming out. Counselors are in a position to make life very hard if they're prejudiced. A good tip is a "rainbow" or "gay-friendly" sign in the counselor's office.
- Rehearse with that friend or counselor. Work it out for each person on your list of those you want to come out to what. Some people will respond best to a formal "We have to talk about something important," presentation. Others may respond best to your just blurting it casually in the middle of conversation. "No, Jim, I'm not watching the girls. I'm watching that guy on the end, he's giving me the eye and he's got cute buns."
- Prepare yourself for a lot of questions. Many people you come out to have no idea what it's like to be gay. Homophobia is often based in ignorance. Some of the questions may even be insulting, but they're genuinely confused. They might not understand the difference between a gay person and someone who's transgender, for example, and come back with "Does that mean you want a sex change?" Parents may ask "But what about grandchildren?" Depending on your future plans, that may have a positive answer like "Not necessarily, if I find Mr. Right we could adopt or find a surrogate mother so we could have kids. Is it important to you that they're genetically yours or more important that we pass on the traditions you taught me?" That response leaves some negotiation room on issues that may be important to them.
- Approach. Choose your approach. If you're dealing with someone who has a very strong opinion about gay people, you might want to come out very carefully. If you are dealing with your parents, think about their reaction first. You want them to accept you, but consider that this could be hard for them, too. Prepare yourself for a not too enthusiastic reaction, and just be grateful if they say they love you, even if they need some time to get used to the idea.
- Be prepared with the URL and phone number for PFLAG. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays has a lot of experience helping parents and friends overcome their initial shock and fears. This is a support group that can help your loved ones in a big way and a resource you should hand them on your first discussion. They may not want it at first or they may surprise you and become very active in it. It's there for them in ways you can't be though, like any support group it's most effective for those actually in the situation.
- Note! Coming out of the closet is obviously harder than just these simple steps. However, once you're out and you look back on this life altering decision it will seem simple. This will show you who your real friends are and shake out anyone who'd reject you if they found out. If you have to lie for someone to love you, they don't love you. Remember, you're unique, and they should appreciate that.
- Give them time to grieve. If any of your close family and deep friendships have a lot of trouble with it despite all your work, give them time to grieve. Their world has just changed in a big way, they are facing a terrible choice or may have rejected you outright but regret it later. Give them a year of patient, compassionate understanding and acceptance that it's hard for them too. Don't do anything that would otherwise hurt them, try to be as self controlled as possible. If after a year and your best efforts, they still don't accept you, accept that the relationship is gone. It hurts, but it's better to face the grief rather than lie to them and keep a false relationship. That's not healthy or satisfying for either.
- Take their age, health and situation into consideration. If your relative is very old and has trouble with gays, coming out might break the relationship at a time when they don't have much time left. Judge carefully whether to just let that relationship go on with their never knowing or whether to face that. Sometimes the elderly can surprise you and react better than your parents or their generation.
see ya later alligator girlies !!
oh and ... im not a lesbian okay hahaha
xoxo,
aisyah
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